How to Bully Proof Your Kids
Bullying is a word that gets thrown around a lot, especially in schools. Nearly every day, a student comes into my office wanting to report bullying. Sometimes, the allegation isn’t truly bullying; a child genuinely feels they’re being bullied, but in reality, someone was just mean. Other times, a student describes an ongoing issue they’ve brushed off for too long—only to realize it’s been serious bullying all along.
So, what’s the difference between typical friendship conflicts, mean behavior, and actual bullying? As parents, how can we know what to watch for, how to respond, and, even better, how to help our kids develop skills that make them less vulnerable to bullying? Why are some kids targeted more than others?
Recent research by Dr. Mark Brackett has revealed millions of instances of bullying impacting the lives of kids and teens. This makes it highly likely that, at some point during their school years, your child will either experience bullying firsthand or witness it happening to someone else. Bullying prevention is a responsibility we all share, and the more we know and understand about it, the better prepared we are to make a difference.
What Is Bullying?
To begin, let’s define bullying. Although legal definitions of bullying vary by state, one of the clearest definitions comes from Second Step, a social-emotional learning program I used when working as an elementary school counselor. They teach that bullying must include three elements:
Intentional Harm: The behavior is deliberately mean and intended to hurt.
Repeated Occurrence: It happens repeatedly and doesn’t stop despite attempts to make it stop.
Power Imbalance: There’s an uneven power dynamic. This could be due to age, size, social status, or simply multiple kids ganging up on one person.
If one of these elements is missing, the situation might be mean behavior or a conflict, but it isn’t bullying by definition.
Friendship Conflicts vs. Mean Behavior vs. Bullying
It’s normal for kids to experience conflicts with friends, even if they’re painful. A disagreement or a falling-out doesn’t automatically mean bullying is happening. Kids can sometimes be unintentionally hurtful, and learning to handle these situations is part of growing up. However, when conflicts become persistent, targeted, and involve an imbalance of power, it crosses the line into bullying. As adults, it’s crucial to label these behaviors accurately; mislabeling everyday conflicts as bullying can dilute the seriousness of real bullying situations and hinder our ability to address them effectively. It also puts kids in a “victim” mentality. Being precise in how we use the term ‘bullying’ helps us respond appropriately and support kids in meaningful ways. In my work as a school counselor, I usually will only use the word “bullying” if it is serious enough to report to authorities for higher levels of support.
Helping Kids Become “Bully-Proof”
While we can’t always prevent bullying, we can give our kids tools to reduce their risk. Here are some steps to consider:
Build Resilience: Confident, resilient kids are less likely to be targeted and more likely to stand up for themselves. You can learn more about the 7 Steps to Raising Resilient Teens here. As a counselor addressing bullying situations at school, I would often work to build resilience in the victim and the perpetrator. It’s important to remember that the child demonstrating bullying behavior needs support, too. If you’re looking to help your child develop more resilience, join my virtual workshop, The 5 Keys to Resilience, where we dive into proven strategies for building resilience in kids and teens. This workshop empowers parents and teachers alike with tools to make resilience a natural part of daily life. Register here to secure your spot!
2. Teach Assertiveness and Boundaries: Learning to set healthy, assertive boundaries (without aggression) can help teens become less appealing targets. Research shows that teaching assertiveness and boundaries isn’t just for potential victims of bullying—it’s also a powerful tool for bystanders. Equipping kids with assertiveness skills and clear boundaries empowers them to act confidently and safely, turning them into proactive upstanders rather than silent bystanders. My online course for teens, Beautiful Boundaries, teaches practical, age-appropriate skills for setting and maintaining boundaries. Explore the course to equip your teen with the confidence to not only stand up for themselves but for others as well.
3. Encourage “Upstander” Behavior: Teaching kids to be “upstanders” empowers them to actively combat bullying. Kids who witness bullying may feel guilty about not stepping in, can feel unsafe in their environment, and may be at increased risk for issues like anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even school avoidance. One of my favorite ways to instill these values is through literature, where kids can relate to characters and situations. For a sneak peek into my school counselor library—filled with books that teach social and emotional skills—click here. But a few of my favorites for elementary, middle, and high school students are below. Reading together not only opens conversations and gives you shared language but also lets your kids know you’re a safe and trusted resource in their lives.
Understanding what bullying really is—and what it isn’t—can empower both parents and kids to respond effectively. While we can’t remove all difficulties from our children’s lives, we can help them develop the skills they need to handle them with confidence and strength.
