5 tips for Getting Your Teen to Talk
Your Teens Want to Talk More Than You Think—Here’s How to Help Them Open Up
As parents, we often wonder if our teens are truly sharing what’s on their minds or bottling up their emotions. Helping them feel comfortable to open up is key to supporting their mental health. In this post, we’ll cover:
The silent struggles teens face
Strategies to encourage open communication
How to be present and create a safe space
The importance of patience and allowing them to come to you on their own terms
I recently spoke on the Parenting Post Wilderness podcast with host, Beth Hillman, and she asked a question I hear often as a school counselor: "What do parents need to know about their teens?" My answer was simple: Your teens want to talk to you more than you think. They may seem distant, but they often crave connection with you—they just need a little help to get the conversation started.
Unfortunately, I also hear from teens about why they hesitate to talk to their parents about what they’re going through. These are the most common reasons they give:
“I don’t want to get in trouble.” They fear being punished for their honesty about difficult situations.
“I don’t want to get a lecture.” They dread a long lecture on how they should have handled things differently.
“I don’t want them to think less of me.” Teens worry that if their parents knew the truth, they’d be seen in a negative light or face disappointment.
“They don’t really listen.” Teens often feel that parents jump in to solve the problem when what they really need is someone to just listen.
Understanding these barriers is key to fostering open, honest communication with your teen.
The Silent Struggles of Teens
The teen years are full of change and growth. Every day, teens deal with new challenges—school pressures, friend drama, figuring out who they are, and all the emotions that come with it. It’s a lot to handle, and most of the time, they really do want to talk about what’s going on. The tricky part? They often don’t know how to start the conversation.
A lot of parents assume their teens would rather keep things to themselves. It’s easy to think that since teens tend to pull away and rely more on their friends. And while that’s partly true, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk to you. In fact, they often crave those conversations—they just might be waiting for the right moment or the right question to open up.
How to Encourage Your Teen to Open Up
So, how can you create an environment where your teen feels comfortable opening up to you? Here are some strategies to help bridge the communication gap:
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Avoid yes/no questions; instead, try prompts like, "What was the most interesting part of your day?" or "How do you feel about what happened at school today?" These types of questions help teens express their feelings more freely.
Be Present and Attentive: When your teen starts talking, give them your full attention. Make eye contact, listen without interrupting, and put away distractions. This shows them you truly care about what they have to say.
Let Go of Your Own Agenda: Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that “listening requires you to let go of your own desire to control the situation.” This means setting aside your need to offer immediate solutions, steer the conversation, or direct the outcome. When you focus too much on your own agenda, your teen may feel unheard or dismissed. Instead, prioritize truly understanding their perspective. By letting go of control, you create space for your teen to express themselves openly without the pressure of meeting your expectations.
Keep Your Own Emotions in Check: It's crucial to be a steady, calm presence in your teen's life. How you react to everyday situations sends a clear message to your teen about whether you're a safe person to be vulnerable with. If you lose your cool when cut off in traffic or snap at a sales associate for making a mistake, your teen is watching. They’ll internalize this and may hold back from sharing their own struggles, fearing that they’ll trigger a similar emotional outburst directed at them. By working on your own emotional intelligence and becoming more aware of your reactions, you can create a safe space for your teen to open up without fear of judgment or anger. How you handle your emotions directly impacts how safe your teen feels in coming to you with theirs.
Be Patient
Teens don’t always open up right away. It can take a few conversations before they feel comfortable enough to share what’s really going on. Try not to push them—let them come to you in their own time. A great way to build trust is by talking about the small stuff—their day at school, a funny story about their friends, or something they enjoyed. If they feel comfortable sharing the little things, they’re much more likely to come to you when bigger, tougher issues pop up.
Give your teen space to approach you on their own terms. I’ve noticed that with my own teens, they often want to talk at the most inconvenient times—usually late at night when I’m getting ready for bed! Even though I’m exhausted, those late-night chats often turn into some of our best conversations. Your teen is always paying attention to how you respond, so remember—being patient and open to those small moments can lead to much deeper, more meaningful talks down the road. If they know you’re there for the little things, they’ll feel safe coming to you with the big stuff.
Wrap Up
Starting meaningful conversations with your teen is key to building trust and fostering connection. Remember, they want to talk to you. You just have to create the right environment for that to happen. For more tips, strategies, and insights on how to help your teen open up, subscribe to my monthly newsletter. You can also hear the full podcast interview on Parenting Post Wilderness here. It’s a fun conversation packed full of useful insights into adolescent development and behavior.
Creating a safe space for your teen to share their thoughts and feelings can transform your relationship and their mental health. With patience, empathy, and openness, you can help your teen feel understood and supported. Trust that they want to connect with you—and you can help them take the first step.