Why is My Teen Acting Out?

Have you ever found yourself asking, "Why is my teen acting out?" It's a question that plagues many parents, especially when it feels like your teenager is on a mission to drive you crazy. Are they simply trying to provoke you, or is there something deeper going on? Watching your teen make questionable choices repeatedly can be exhausting and disheartening. But before you jump to conclusions, it's important to understand that there is often a reason behind their behavior—one that isn't always immediately obvious.

The Why Behind the Behavior

Recognizing that it serves a function is at the core of understanding any behavior. This means that every positive or negative action is driven by an underlying psychological reason. Psychologists have categorized behaviors into four basic functions: Attention, Escape, Tangibles, and Sensory. Let’s break these down:

Attention: Sometimes, teens act out to gain attention, whether it's positive or negative. Whether they’re seeking a moment of your undivided attention or stirring up trouble just to get a reaction, any kind of attention can be preferable to none at all.

Escape: This function involves avoiding something undesirable. Your teen might engage in disruptive behaviors to escape responsibilities like homework or chores, or to avoid uncomfortable situations, such as social interactions or family gatherings.

Tangibles: This refers to a desire for something physical, such as a new gadget, a special snack, or even access to certain privileges. If your teen’s behavior seems to be focused on obtaining or retaining something tangible, it’s likely that this is the driving force behind their actions.

Sensory: Sometimes, teens are driven by a need for sensory experiences. This could include seeking out new tastes, sounds, textures, or visual stimuli. For instance, a teen might engage in certain behaviors to stimulate their senses or to experience something new.

Understanding these functions can help unravel why your teen might be engaging in specific behaviors.

Real Life Examples:

Coming Home Late for Curfew: This behavior might stem from a desire for attention, whether from friends or parents. It could also be fueled by the thrill of breaking rules or testing boundaries, providing a stimulating sensory experience.

Refusing to Go to School: This behavior might be driven by a desire to escape from the stress or discomfort associated with school. Or, sometimes, when a child is struggling academically, they worry about the attention that will be placed on them if they are called on in class. This worry causes them to refuse to attend. 

 Failing Grades: School can be a sensory overload for some kids, which causes them to check out or not pay attention during class time. This can be a coping skill to deal with the overwhelming stimuli, which, in turn, leads to poor grades.

Inappropriate Social Media Use: Some teens might engage in inappropriate behavior on social media outlets to gain tangible rewards like more followers, likes and comments.

Substance Abuse: Some teens may use substances to escape or avoid emotional pain or difficult situations. While other teens participate recreationally for the attention and approval of peers and to cope with boredom.  

Excessive Video Gaming: Many video games offer tangible rewards for reaching certain milestones or achieving high scores, like virtual items, character upgrades and special abilities. These rewards make gaming highly engaging, and an easy substitute for real-world experiences.

It’s worth noting that the function of a behavior can vary from one individual to another. What causes one teen to skip school might be completely different from what drives another. This means that identifying the function behind your teen’s behavior can require patience and some detective work. Simply asking your teen why they’re acting out might not always yield clear answers, as they may not fully understand their own motivations.

Building a Stronger Connection

One of the most effective ways to address and understand these behaviors is to focus on building a strong, supportive connection with your teen. Being a calm, consistent presence in their life can provide them with the security and reassurance they need to open up. Sometimes, seeking the help of a counselor or therapist can also be beneficial. A trained professional can offer new perspectives and help identify the underlying functions of problematic behaviors. Sometimes, we as parents, are too close to the situation to see the motives clearly. 

Remember, behavior is always a clue to something deeper. By understanding the functions behind your teen’s actions, you can better support them and guide them through these challenging years. And while it might be a complex and sometimes frustrating journey, your patience and empathy will make a world of difference in helping them navigate their way to healthier choices.

Ready to Dive Deeper?

If you're looking for more tools and strategies to support your teen through these challenging years, check out my online courses for parents and teens. These courses provide valuable insights, practical advice, and support to help you and your teen navigate these complex issues together. Click here to enroll and take the first step towards a healthier, more connected family dynamic."